dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
