it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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