He asked to "fluff my boner.."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
