Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
