is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
