i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
time to smoke my breakfast
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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