So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
