I think I won the penis lottery.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
