I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
