i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
