Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
