Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
