i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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