wakey wakey hands off snakey
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
