better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
