Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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