Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
