I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
