My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
