drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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