Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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