I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
