Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
