My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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