im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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