I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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