Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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