I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
