and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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