Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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