the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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