I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
