somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
