If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
