please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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