you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
