well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
