I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
