I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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