she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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