Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
you never un-have a 4some
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
