We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
