Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
