He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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