I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
