hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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