pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
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You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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