Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
