Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
