tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
