We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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