1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?