I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
