Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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