And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
