So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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