I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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