we're chasing vodka with high fives
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
